Better Off Dead
by DegrassiLoverForever12
Summary: "It has to stop, Clare. You. Me." Her voice grew more urgent, pleading. This was all a nightmare, just some crazy dream. It wasn't real. It couldn't be real. "Why are you doing this, Eli? Why?"


**Disclaimer- I do not own Degrassi or any of its characters, but I do own one freaking fantastic sock. That is super colourful. Oh la la. Get jealous bitches.**

**Warning- Cutting is involved in this one-shot. You've been warned...**

A delicious wave of pain slashed along her arm, fire and ice, burning, destroying, yet welcoming, sweet. The scarlet blood began to trickle, to splash, the burning began to flame, the pain intensifying. She smiled in satisfaction, blue eyes bright and red hair tumbling over her shoulders. The silver blade flashed again, marking its path parallel to the other; two neat red lines running down her forearm, blood welling and spilling along the length. Her grip on the knife slipped; it fell to the tiled floor with a clatter, mingling in the scarlet spatters. She watched the blood fall with vindication. Her blood. As the fire died, so did the spell. The haze surrounding her thoughts, clouding her mind, cleared. Methodically, systematically, she picked up the knife, running it under the tap, watching as the bubbling water ran red, mopping up the blood on the floor, letting the water wash over her cuts until they remained no more than puckered lines. Job done, she thought. She slumped on the cool tiles, resting her head on her knees. Cutting wasn't the best way of keeping control, even she had to admit it, but it was the most satisfying, most rewarding that you could do. Her knife biting into her soft skin, the power she held over her own life, the decision, the deluded notion that she actually had a shred of control of _her _life. So many months ago, it had begun. That girl she used to be, the one she lost somewhere. Happy, smiling, cheerful _and, in control_. That girl couldn't have been more different from the Clare Edwards now. And it had all come down to one boy. The dark, sarcastic, egotistical Eli Goldsworthy. Eli. How she could ever have been as out of her head to even consider falling in love with a jerk like him was thankfully, still a mystery to her. Nevertheless, despite it all, she had. It hadn't come to much in the end. Eli, being Eli, had so easily tired of plain old "Saint Clare". He had left her behind in the space of three short months, thrown her out with the trash. That was all he was to her. Trash, waste, to be recycled and thrown away again by some other fool. Then the cutting had begun. From there, things had only got worse. Gone was 'Saint Clare' which, so many people had called her. Her wardrobe had gotten noticeably darker, with purples and blacks dominating the colour scheme. Mascara accompanied lacy, ribboned shirts and armwarmers. Jeans even in the heat of summer. Hair dye. People had started to talk, to whisper about the marks that seemed permanently engraved in her arms. There wasn't any use in trying to cover them up with jackets. That just made people talk even more. Pretty soon, she was sure that everyone in Degrassi must have known that Clare Edwards was harming herself. Not that it mattered anymore. She had gone past the point of no return a long time ago. The girl she had used to be had vanished, even disappeared the moment Eli Goldsworthy walked out of her life. And she would never forgive him for that. _Never_. After so many months, the memories still haunted her. Everywhere. Of course, how could she ever forget that painful night?

"_Eli?"_

_Her mind raced frantically, trying to process what he had just said. None of it made sense. How could he just stop loving her? Didn't he want her anymore? How could someone just decide to fall out of love? Or had he been pretending the whole time? Was every kiss a lie? Every hug? He watched her through ice blue eyes as she struggled._

"_It has to stop, Clare. You. Me"_

_Her voice grew more urgent, pleading. This was all a nightmare, just some crazy dream. It wasn't real. It couldn't be real._

"_Why are you doing this, Eli? Why?"_

_He said nothing, keeping his expression carefully neutral. _

"_Goodbye, Clare"_

_He turned away, clearing his head of all thought of her, his only drive to get as far away as possible from her._

"_Eli?"_

_She watched him as he stopped, her heart jumping with the deluded notion that she had actually got through to him, falling again as he took a step away. She stretched a trembling hand out to him, begging to God for him to stop, to say something, to tell her he still loved her, or to even say this was all a joke. Anything at all? Of course, there was nothing. She fell to her knees with a 'thump' a sob tearing from her lips and echoing around the room, filling her heart with despair. As he disappeared out of sight, reality set in. Tears blurred her vision, her heart slamming painfully in her chest. He was gone. And he was never coming back._

_**AN- Well hello their fellow reader. As you see this is my FIRST fanfic. So please don't be too harsh. And don't flame... Because no one likes a flamer! Also because I warned you before hand. ;) Anyways I hope you "enjoyed" this. This is ONLY a one shot, just to be clear. Also this will probably be the "darkest" thing I'll probably ever write. Also look forward for more HAPPIER Eclare or maybe even Fadam fanfics in the near future.. And maybe even some Semma one-shots ? ;o ..  
Peace Out Bitches. xoxo**_


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